I always knew that this would be hard, but it turns out I just wasn't ready for just how hard it would be. People didn't seem to want to give me the time or the space to grieve (I can't think of another word) for the things that I have lost, or for the things that have happened in the past month. My confidence has been severely knocked though, and some things which are incredibly important to me have been taken away. Since I came home, I've been trying to deal with things as best as I know how but oddly it seems that the way I have done that is by not dealing with any of the painful stuff. In turn it has just built up. I knew that eventually it would hit me, but now it is doing, and it is hitting me hard.

No matter what I have been doing in this past month, however happy I have been and no matter how much fun I have had, like last night and Karen’s Birthday last week etc, thoughts of Jason have never been far from my mind. But last night I guess the façade fell apart. Driving home from the party, listening to a mix CD I had made for Jason quite awhile ago, I just broke down sobbing. I had to pull over to the side of the road because I was crying too hard to drive. The songs just floored me, because one after the other brought memories and feelings that I just hadn’t been letting myself experience.

I remembered all the times we watched the VNV Nation DVD, laughing at Mark and his 'friend jack who understands'. I remembered the Apoptygma DVD. I remembered cheesy beefy bagels, making popcorn, and Jason wanting to take the lid off the pan to see the kernels pop even though it was far too hot. I remembered watching the Sopranos, and laughed at remembering him trying to understand what the hell the people in ‘Human Traffic were saying. I remembered ‘Niiiiiiice One Bruvva’. I remembered future music magazines and computer music magazines everywhere, remembered making music, making love, sitting talking in the bathroom. I remembered didi and the claws of doom and I miss didi so much. I remembered the stupid shark in the car attacking me while I drove and always ending up driving on Memorial Drive no matter where we were going or coming from. And then I looked around and I remembered that I am alone.

Suddenly I realised that I wouldn’t ever be driving home to Jason again, or driving to pick him up from work again. Even now, each day at the time he finishes work my stomach turns over, like it used to do when I knew I was going to see him. But now it just makes me feel sick because I know that I am not. I don’t think I have ever wanted to see him so much as I did last night.

In the nights that I can’t sleep, I lie awake missing having him sleeping besides me and when I do sleep I wake up repeatedly. And this is the cruellest of all because, when I wake up, I forget for a moment that he isn’t with me, and I think to myself that he must have fallen asleep reading on the sofa again. Sometimes I am half way across the room before I remember, and I realise that when I open the door, he won’t just be there, sleeping on the sofa. It’s just not fair. It’s not fair that I lose someone I love for no good reason at all. And it feels so much like I am being punished over and over for things that I don’t even know that I did wrong.

There are other things that hurt me daily. But those I won’t even start to open up about. If I disappointed you then I am sorry. If I hurt you, I never meant it to be so. I know only too well how it feels to be let down and betrayed by the people whom you believe that you can rely on. I have learnt that some people are simply incapable of being honest, or decent. They spend so long wondering around pretending to be good, moralistic and decent, or what they want other people to see them as, that they don't even realise, or maybe are too lost in their own deception to realise what and who they really are. I am tired of dealing with the fakeness and the falsity that I have come across in this past year. I have come to lose all respect for people who choose to hear one side of a situation and who then dare pass judgements without ever bothering to hear the other side first. In some cases I am angry at myself for being so blind and for failing to see these people for what they truely are. Friendship is so much more than what is convenient but some, I truely believe, cannot even begin to comprehend the meaning of loyalty and real friendship. Too many people are consumed with their own selfishness. So wrapped up in themselves, they fail to understand, or chose not to see when they are needed, because to be needed means to give up time and effort. And worse still are those people who choose whether to be a good friend to another person only if that person fits in with the 'image' they want to maintain, or in other words, if that person is 'useful' to them. Real friends are the ones that listen and really hear and more importantly, who care and want to listen. I have learnt that too many of the people whom I called friends, are in fact, not. And even more, I have learnt the pain of realising that to some, I am worth little, or nothing.

This wasn’t meant to sound this way. In my head when I thought it, it was better spoken, but here sitting down to write I can’t even find the words that I want. I can’t do this anymore. It’s too much and it takes only one thing to push me too far. I’m falling apart and I’m doing it alone.

I can’t write anymore. I have a new journal, formosus_solus and if you want to be a part of my life, if you care about me enough to want to be a part of it, then add me and I will add you back.

This journal is closed.

How am I Today?: Devestated

I'll write a proper update a little later but for now I just needed to post this.

My situation as with reguards to my being able to move to Houston has become very difficult and I am in dire need of help. I need to find a company who will hire me and sponsor a work visa on my behalf so that I can live and work legally in Houston.

If anyone knows of any way, or anyone knows anyone else who might know a way, for me to get a visa in order that I can live in Houston, then please, please do everything you can to find out for me. If you think of anyone who might be able to help, pass this request on, hell pass this LJ entry on, no matter what or who it is. I desperatly need help on this situation. If you work in a big company, or even a small one and you think that a co worker might know of anything, or even your boss or manager might have advice, please, please ask them. Any advice, assistance, ideas are VERY much appreciated...

Please, Please help!

How am I Today?: discontent

It is my birthday on Friday. This is not something I am looking forward to. I am going to really miss having my friends at home making a fuss of me like they usually do, with a cake and baloons and having fun. However I can't be at home this year beause I am here in Houston. Jason is working, as are Jeanie and Levi. Catherine has arranged to go and see Jeff play but I don't even know where or what time it is or anything like that. But that's where I will be on friday night. If you can, if you have the time and aren't too busy, please come along and see me as it will make me a happy Leanne. I will let you know where it is when I find out from Catherine or Jeff.

Here and now, I recognise that these problems are arising. I am aware of the impact they have been having on me and those around me, due to their arising. I am aware of the feelings, thoughts and intentions that form and are borne from this state of mind. I am aware how easily these problems come out and are recognised by others, by what I say and do. I am aware of the extent to which I sgree wiyh, and justify this state of mind. I understand that it not only makes life hard for myself, but also makes it hard for others around me, particularly those closest to me. Here and now I am learning that someday soon I may have the opportunity to try to work on living outside of this state of mind. Here and now, I am practicing and trying hard to learn to let go of this state of mind. Here and now I am practicing and trying hard to learn to let go of, and stop holding fast to this state of mind and these`feelings. Here and now I am learning and trying to understand that this state of mind can and should be impermenant, and to recognise that it is unsatisfactory both to myself and to others. Here and now, I am trying very hard to observe that this is not me, not myself, not who I really am. I am learning that this state of mind may have been borne to pass, not wirth clinging onto and only comes from experiences and states of mind that I am recalling from the past. Right now I am working, not always or even mostly with success, on finding ways to be free from this state of mind, and from the emptiness it leads to within me.

I have been hurt by what took place, what takes place and what will take place. The expeience and knowledge of experiences to come, which are inescapable leaves its pains and its wounds. There has been and will be anguish and distress over events passed, and events to come. I am not ready to forgive because of what has happened, nor am I ready to face this newest brokeness without losing part of myself. I cannot turn around my emotions that easily. Yet I do not want this to keeping burning me up from inside. That means the past still dominates mt present. So let me try to get on with my life today, in the only ways I know how, whether they be right or wrong. Let me develop some kind of equanimity with what was, in order to keep steady with what is. There is no reason for me to place pressure on myself to forgive. But I will keep the intention to move on from the past to maximise my contact with the present and in time, transcend the situation I was in, and that which I soon will be in, in order to find peace with myself and my life, and freedom of heart.

OK first to make a point. The previous post is, in fact about close friends who I feel have let me down, or made less of an effort than could have been made to see me. I am not a heartless bitch and I do understand that some awful things have occurred. The point is, it;s not the people who I hardly know who I haven't seen that I am upset with. It's the people who are supposed to be close friends.

OK moving on...

This week has been really bad and really good at differing times. The bad stuff I won't even go into because it's personal and the people who I want to know about it, already do. So the good stuff...

FINALLY getting to spend a few hours with Sprite on Friday, out of the house and alone (well with Levi and Jeanie partly). Dragging her out of bed was tricky. The lure of remaining curled up in bed with James and Becky seemed to almost make this task impossible but Levi and I perservered and we succeeded. Went for food to a yummy greek type place, then headed off to get Jeanie. Ended up going to an adult sex shop and a comic book store, before heading over to half price books and then dropping Sprite off. Was nice to have seen her. Spent the remainder of the evening with Jeanie and Levi.

Yesterday was The Cure cincert, my birthday present for Jason. It was AWESOME. Oh my god I am so taken with Robert Smith, He was amazing and, not withstanding annoying drunk and stoned Mexicans sat behind us, I had a fantastic time. It was pretty hot during the day but we mooched around between stages and once the sun went down it was a perfect evening for an outdoor concert. The atmosphere when the Cure came on was so wonderful. The first half if their set was good but the second half was just brilliant. Also heard Interpol, who were fantastic and a band I definately want to hear more from, Mogwai who were also really good, all instrumental stuff and bloody good instrumental stuff at that, and Cooper Temple Clause who we missed most of due to arriving late but who were good nonetheless. Muse didn't play due to an injury which I was gutted about actually, and The Rapture and Hed Automation were...well the less said the better. Anyway none of it mattered once the Cure came on. I was screaming and jumping up and down like a madwoman during the second half of their set and have a suitably sore throat today. Jason also has a sore throat and his voice is all gruff and hoarse. Anyway a good time had at the end of a bloody miserable and depressing week.

Thats all for now.

Leanne will rant...oh yes, yes she will.

I looked forward to this summer in Houston with almost every moment of the four months I was in England before coming over. Thoughts of a wonderful long summer with friends and with Jason occupied my thoughts most of the time. Preoccupied by these thoughts of this place, I started to fail to put effort into life back home. My parents often complained that theor daughter just 'wasn't there' with them anymore, that all I thought about was being here. Friends made the same observations. But this is all I longed for in those four months during which I missed Jason awfully, and wished to be with the friends I had to leave behind.

How foolish I was to place so much faith in people here. How wrong. How sorry I am that I gave my faith to those who don't deserve it.

Before my trip out here, daily I was told, 'we can't wait for you to get here, this summer will be so much fun, we'll hang out all the time'. And to my anxious concerns about being lonely, being left in the apartment on those days that Jason works (remebering he has to take a bus there and back and can often be gone all day and most of the evening), or being left out of things most especially due to the fact that I don't have a car and living in Houston without a car is like being trapped in a prison, the response was always comforting assurences, 'no don't be silly, you will be included, we will make sure we come and hang out with you, we are so excited about your coming, we'll be there for you'. Now don't misunderstand me. I do not want a babysitting service by any means. What I wanted, and expected when I arrived here, was that those 'friends' who so enthused about my being here, would actually make time and be bothered to spend time with me. And there are exceptions of course, situations that arise where people have no choice but to devote their attentions to other, more pressing matters. But for the whole summer? I don't think so.

And what do I now realise?

I realise that my little group of friends in England, Catherine, Kevin, Karen, are the most amazing people I could hope to know. I realise that my friends here, Jeanie and Levi for the most part, and to another degree Mary and Eddie, who made time for me, who actually gave a damn about me enough to 'want' to make the most of my being here, are real friends. Everybody has things that come up and plans have to be cancelled etc. But what I have experienced here in this past 2 months has made me depressed, angry, doubting of myself and my own worth, thinking and wondering why am I not good enough to want to make the effort to be around. And finally it's clear.

It's not about me. It's about them. Those so called friends, part time friends, friends who are friends when it suits. Friends who cancel without good reasons and friends who don't even bother to call in the first place. Everyone here knows that I am here. If you can pick up the phone and call one person to go out and do stuff, why can't you pisck up the phone and call me? These little cliquey groups are starting to piss me off. It's cruel and selfish to exclude people...didn't anyone ever tell you that? I have one month left here. Then it's over. Houston is over for me. I haven't got a job, so I won't be moving here. So thats it. One more month.


To say that I am devestated by some of the things I have come to realise, and some of the friendships that I have come to realise are not actually friendships at all, is to diminish how much this hurts me. I put every penny I had, and more into being here this summer. Not withstanding the wonderful support and love I have been given by Jason, Jeanie, Levi, and to a lesser extent Mary, this has been a very lonely and very depressing time for me. I don't care what some people will have to say about this post. I don't care about the sarcastic comments, the bitchiness behind my back and the dismissive 'get over it' reactions this will get. Because those reactipns, will only come from the very people who I now know are no longer real friends to me.

I had to write this. This past two months this has been weighing on my mind. And I'm not ashamed to write down how I feel. I've had it with playing other peoples games, listening to other peoples bullshit, and dealing with other peoples flakiness, dealing with so called friends who listen to one side of a story and decide that one side HAS to be the right side and therefore the friendship isn't worth shit, and watching as 'friends' engage in downright inconsiderate and selfish behaviour.

So to end...I'm a great person and a fucking good friend, but I have expectations of my friends and will no longer be treated like shit. Part time friends are no longer welcome in my life.

Theres so much more to say...but nothing that can say it so that it even starts to reflect how I feel.

How am I Today?: Angry/Upset

Well it's finally time...

My bags are (finally) packed after much stress, packing, unpacking, repacking, falling over suitcase, realising I can't shut suitcase, unpacking again, deciding what I don't need, repacking etc etc etc...

My flight leaves Manchester at 11am and I land in Atlanta 9 hours later. Then I stay there for two and a half hours before flying the last 2 hours to Houston, arriving there at arounf 18:45 if all goes according to plan and there aren't any delays ~fingers crossed~

I'm happy, and excited, and nervous too. Feeling lots of things right now. Had a great time last night with Karen, Catherine and Kevin. Cooked them an Italian meal and a cheesecake both of which were yummy :-)

I can't wait to get to the arrivals gate in Houston and see people there who are coming to get me....

I can't wait to see my baby :-)

How am I Today?: bouncy
I'm listening to...: The TV in the background

As I sit in this room surrounded by my memories, photographs, possessions, I listen to the music composed by Einaudi. Every sound touches me in a different way, evoking emotions and also...memories and I feel, not what I want to feel, but what this music inspires me to feel.

This music has a solomn and meditative character. The simplicity of the work only seeks to make it, and the thoughts it generates, more poinant. And all of this translates inside my head to an image, a picture almost. The picture is a Rothko painting, and as I listen, and see, I suddenly imagine I am sitting in the Rothko Chapel, that darkened, tiny, almost suffocating room. I perceieve the picture in reduced light and compact space. The subtle layers of the painting emerge. The colours are startk and simple, moving between richness and a pale frailty in terrifying merging motion. It reminds me that all emotion is connected to the environment. Not just the one I am in, but the one that surrounds the people with whom I share that bond of emotion.

I open my eyes and look now at the photographs in front of me. Each moment is captured and bleeds into the next. For me, listening to this music, and looking at the pictures takes me on a journey through where I am now, and how I got here. Each time I look and listen, I experience and interpret it differently. I think of those moments captured in my head, my heart, on paper, as I realise that right at this second, all around me, life alters.

How am I Today?: depressed
I'm listening to...: Ludovico Einaudi

THIS WAY UP á

Leanne Parker has fragile contents which may break!

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Where to start...

Things that have occurred over the past few days have got me to a place inside myself where I am becomming far too thoughful and introspective. A place where some things seems to make no sense, and others, well others are painfully clear. Change is inevitable in life. Nothing stays the same forever, no matter how much we sometimes cling to the desperate and niave belief that it will.

I just want the things that matter to me the most, to be OK. I don't want the uncertainty again. I don't want to give everything and lose it all. I don't want to not matter to those who matter more than I can ever express in words. I don't want to be second best, or just, for now. I want to be worth giving everything for. I don't want to be the only one who feels this way. I don't want to be convenient or just useful to serve a purpose. I want to be looked at as a woman, aside from other women, unique, special. I want to look into the eyes that look into mine and tell me that I am everything. For once, I want to be the one who was worth fighting for no matter what.

There are many things in my life for which I am so grateful. And yet all I can feel at this moment, is a sense of loss and incompleteness.

How am I Today?: discontent